Help For Musicians - Dealing With Nasty Comments From Toxic People

For this blog post, I am going to get into quite a serious topic. It is one that most people can relate to and it sadly and inevitably happens to us all. From children to adults, different races, backgrounds and people at all musical levels, at some point in your life you or someone you are close with will suffer at the hands of a toxic person.

My blog gives me a voice online and I like to use it to be honest and share my own personal experiences, mainly with the aim of helping others to be better musicians. I hope that this post does that, because it is going to use a real life experience to demonstrate how to deal with it.

Negative Criticism

As a musician, teacher, conductor or educator we are always going to get criticism from our peers, our families, colleagues and the leaders who we follow in our jobs. Usually, the worst critic to a musician is themselves. I for one, spend hours working on my musical skills, I certainly do not need anyone to tell me what my strengths and weaknesses are, because I already know, and I work on my weaknesses every day.

I have performed all around the world and thankfully have received far more praise than hate but the times when someone does say something nasty often stands out over anything positive. I wrote a past blog which was a review of a brilliant book called 'The Power of Bad' - please do check it out after reading this one.

I find I am more comfortable with negative feedback and I hear a lot of professional musicians saying the same sort of thing. If someone praises me, I naturally feel that I don't deserve it. While it is really nice, I am always on my guard so that I never become over confident or big headed.

When I get negative feedback, my natural instinct is to be motivated by it, act on it and help it move me forwards. Whenever I do any conducting for example, I always ask for feedback from players in the band and if they all say they loved it then in some ways that doesn't help me improve.

Sometimes, however, the criticism we are being offered is fuelled by mis-intent, lies and even hate. Dealing with this is extremely difficult and this is what I hope to help with.

Stoic Philosophy

I have quite a stoic stance as a musician and this sort of philosophy can give you the armour you need to get through difficult times. You can never make someone think a certain way and should only ever concern yourself with things that are in your control. What someone else thinks or does, unless it is someone you love, really shouldn't ever have a negative impact.

This is a lesson I try and teach my own child and anyone that I teach professionally. You also must have strong personal beliefs or virtues and expect them to be tested, but if you believe in yourself and are willing to do whatever it takes to grow, then you will be unstoppable.

In fact, I would almost argue that if you never get into disputes or face 'naysayers' along the way, then you are not going to grow anyway. It is said that it is 'tough at the top' and for those who have worked hard enough to achieve some success in life, always be prepared to face those who, for whatever reason, don't think you are worthy of it.

Real Life Experience

The inspiration for this blog post came recently when someone I worked with musically was removed from their position due to professional misconduct. The person in question had been given numerous warnings after causing upset and disruption to others on multiple occasions. They didn't hold any position of responsibility but I did have complete respect for their experience and even tried to learn from them at times.

I find it hard, as does anyone, to give out negative feedback but throughout my career and more so now I am older, I can see that it takes a lot of courage to give negative feedback to a toxic or overly negative sort of person. But it takes no effort at all to insult someone who is trying to do good.

It is somewhat similar to giving support to a teenager as a teacher or parent, a child's natural instincts and emotions are to rebel due to hormonal changes and brain development. In some ways a toxic person may be that way due to their own insecurities. I like this quote from human performance expert Stefan Falk who says this about toxic people:

"They are paranoid meddlers who make you question your every move."

Over two years ago, I tried and failed to give the person in question my thoughts, with the aim of helping them, because I knew that discussions had already been made for them to be fired. I need to be clear here, I am not writing this blog as an attack on anyone, I am merely using my own life experience as an example to help others and also give myself a little bit of healing from my own negative memories and feelings of the event.

Winding forward to the present, the individual was removed from their position and they sent me such a horrible message the next day, full of obscene language, made up lies and simply pure hate. Two other colleagues saw the message. I toyed with sharing a redacted version of the message but as time passed, my emotions lessened and I can see that sharing the message publicly wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I have since spoken to a few people about it and their thoughts have made me feel a lot better. It seems this person has a deeper bad reputation than I even knew of. So, while the situation is incredibly difficult to process, everyone associated will be better off as a result of the person being removed.

Never give up!

What Strategies Can Help?

The first thing to remember is that we are human, we are emotional beings and such nasty comments will hurt a lot. It certainly has for me, for the first few days I couldn't think straight and felt that a cloud was following me around.

We cannot stop the initial upset, anger and worry upon reading such a comment. It is important to give no reaction within the first few days, no matter how strong you are, your brain is not working in your favour at this stage. You will be up and down with your emotions and you have to just ride the wave.

An essential thing to do is talk to someone about it. Not someone involved and not someone who knows the individual or situation. It is easy to try and reach out to others and see if they share the opinions of the person but this will not do you any good and also puts others in difficult positions.

Can you force someone to think a certain way? No. So you have no real option other than to accept the comments.

Accepting Truths

Are any of the comments true? Maybe. This is a hard question because even though you know the person did not mean the comment to be good constructive feedback, it is healthy to treat it as such.

I used to work in a special school for boys with emotional, behaviour, social and emotional difficulties. I was the head of music and taught there for five years, teaching very difficult boys, many who were incredibly violent. It was an immensely rewarding job but you needed thick skin. The staff had so much verbal abuse and we even needed training in how to defend ourselves or physically restraint an individual (many whom were far larger and stronger than the staff) in dangerous situations.

On some occasions a child would be so mad, maybe not even at you, but they would make every attempt to insult your very core. Usually grabbing at small points to throw insults, over-elaborating on faults they thought you had because in some way it made them feel better. It was quite funny sometimes because they would comment on things that are true, maybe commenting on hair or facial features and the staff would look at each other and joke about it after. Humour can be a brilliant diffuser of stress.

So, sometimes, even the most hurtful comments contain truths which we can accept and try to improve on. This alone can sometimes help to disarm the person trying to cause upset and also alleviate a lot of the anxiety from your mind.

Block and Avoid

Sometimes abusive people can repeatedly try and cause you harm, especially if you ignore them. Ignoring them is an important strategy so take it to the next level by blocking their number and blocking them on any social media platforms so you don't get any late night phone calls. A warrior doesn't waste their sword on an ant.

Sometimes people get paranoid and feel the need to stalk the person out of fear that they are saying more hurtful things behind your back. I say, presume they are, what of it?

If you are a decent person, with strong values and have already built trust and respect from others, then any attempts to bad mouth you will only make the person doing it look silly.

It is true that one negative person in a business or sports team can drag the whole organisation down. Having like-minded people together who support each other in every way, is the secret to success. You don't even need the most highly skilled people, just people who are good at working together for a common goal.

Some people just love being moaners, they exaggerate everything and I love this Ricky Gervais quote:

"Be happy, it really annoys negative people."

There is no need to fear the person in public unless that person is a real danger. In which case, call the police. Most toxic people crumble under pressure because they have never truly faced their fears or practiced how to be courageous in life. You see this with playground bullies all the time in education.

The act of apologising and changing ones own negative beliefs however, takes bravery and anyone who does this should be applauded, sadly it rarely happens.

Guardian At The Gates

I found this idea in a book (which I can't remember the title) but it teaches you to have a guardian at the gate mentality. Meaning you do not allow any negative thoughts, your own or those of others, into your mind. You simply refuse. We make decisions all day, we say no to things all day in the real world but inside your mind is a more important world than the one you walk around in. We often get sudden thoughts and if you are not aware or in control of them, they will shape you. Just get into a habit of blocking those thoughts, don't let them in, replace them with a positive version.

As I mentioned, I found it very hard for the first few days. I had a number of jobs to do at home and also some conducting work, I just couldn't stop thinking about the comments. It is like a form of torture that you cannot get away from, but time is the best healer, every day it gets easier.

Meditation or Self Hypnosis

Something I find incredibly useful if I am feeling down or anxious is meditation. I am a bit weird though because I find I can do this in a day dream sort of state. So I am not sitting alone in a room, I can do it while doing other things.

Meditation is a state which promotes mindfulness, calm and clarity. The best time I find for this, is when I am doing my instrument practice or when I am about to go to sleep. I am a brass player so breathing is something I focus on a lot, I use it every day, both when I make music and when I need to find strength.

Hypnosis is a bit different, because it is more like make believe for me. Similar to imagery where you can picture something in your mind. Again, for me it's a different thing to what people might think. It's not about making people act like chickens on stage. For the topic I am discussing, I like to use one hypnosis strategy which I will try and explain.

The person who insulted me is someone I have known for a while, so like it or not, there is a connection. By this, I mean it is different to just being insulted by a random stranger in the street (which in most cases would never have a lasting impact, if any at all).

This might sound a bit strange but you can imagine yourself connected to this person in anyway you want. It might be a long piece of cord for example attaching them to you, so they follow you everywhere you go, the more vivid you can imagine it the better, so make it a gold cord. The secret is so simple, just imagine this and use a knife or scissors to cut the cord. You might need to do it a few times but it really works.

Business As Usual

Something else you must force yourself to do is just get on with life. Immerse yourself in family life, hang out with good friends, go for a walk, take a long bath, listen to some music really loud. Eat and drink your favourite things, go shopping, just be your normal self and the stress caused from the experience will lessen very quickly.

I said I had conducting work to do for example, no-one would have known anything, to them I was my normal self, I certainly would never go telling everyone about what happened because that's just not professional or helpful.

Practice Gratitude

When you are feeling hurt, this strategy can be very difficult but one which is well worth working on. Generally, you will find that toxic people make comments directed at people in positions of power, responsibility or authority. They do their very best to rally the troops behind them as well. Something that never makes sense to me, is how a toxic person can fire an insult at someone who is doing something which they cannot do.

Toxic people have little loyalty and can't be trusted. They will often bad mouth their so called friends behind their backs and may even have been nice to you in the past. You might find yourself agreeing with a toxic person or laughing along with things they say but inside you are thinking otherwise. These are reasons why toxic individuals are so dangerous to your mental well-being. They also can be stubborn in their thinking and this is especially true in situations where you might have made massive improvements, however a toxic person will only ever believe that you are as good as how they initially perceived you.

It is not always the case but toxic, negative people tend to have difficult lives. They may experience broken family lives, ill-health, poor financial skills, mental health issues, strange obsessions, alcohol or drug abuse, are abusive to their own family members or they may lack quality education. It is possible that your life circumstances and standard of life are better, due to your more positive outlook. So be sure to practice gratitude every day, not so you pity the toxic person at all, but just so that you are working on your inner self.

Thank people who help you, reflect on positive experiences in your life, support a charity, help an elderly person who lives near you and be grateful for the life you have.

Face Your Fears

If you find that you are overthinking too much then you can try this strategy and it is almost guaranteed to help, but it does need thinking about carefully. You need to do something that makes you face your fears and come out stronger, not something that will scare you and make you feel weaker. I can guarantee that when you are in a fight or flight type situation, you will not be worrying about the person who sent you a nasty message.

Facing your fear can also be a great way to remind yourself that you are in control. It could just be something small like taking a freezing cold shower. Just do it. Facing fears is about telling your mind that while you might be scared, you are going to do it anyway and this helps a lot with building your own self confidence.

Here is an example of me doing exactly this. This was some years ago but I am not a fan of heights, I don't have a fear as such but doing this took some strength. Yes that's my daughter up there with me, calm as you like. After doing it, I felt amazing. Give it a try!

Don't look down!!

Where To Seek Help

Asking for help is never a weakness. People who know what happened to you and do nothing to support are equally as weak as the person that caused the main upset. Family members can sometimes also get very angry when they find out what happened, as they relive the event and can push you in the wrong direction unintentionally. Getting revenge or fighting fire with fire is not the way, even though that is how you feel.

If you find that you cannot shake these thoughts of anger then you need to seek help. Maybe from someone high up in your organisation or just from a trusted friend. It might sound silly but telling your child (if they are young) can be a brilliant strategy. Obviously don't tell them the full story but sometimes asking your child what they think you should do in that situation is a great healer and also teaches your child how to deal with such events.

If the toxic person is someone you cannot avoid or is a danger to others then it is essential to report any incidents to your boss or even the police. In most cases, extreme upset can be dealt with by yourself but if not you will find so many charities, companies and organisations that specialise in offering help. There will be people out there, in whatever musical field you are in, who offer free support.

For brass players or brass band musicians, take a look at www.brassonthemind.co.uk.

I will finish on a brilliant quote from Marcus Aurelius:

“The best revenge is to be unlike the one who performed the injury.”

Please share this blog post with anyone who you think might need a little help and feel free to comment below sharing any of your experiences or advice.

Thanks for reading and good luck! ❤

Mark Glover

23/3/26

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